What is Non-Attachment?
“Non-attachment” is one of my core ideals, and practicing it has helped me to live more lovingly! Yet for those unfamiliar with “non-attachment,” the term is easily misunderstood — so this is my shot at explaining it!
I like to define non-attachment in the following way, which is how I was first taught about it:
Non-attachment is neither clinging… nor rejecting… but holding loosely with love.
Let’s break that down…
Clinging
When we desire something (some may say, they “love” it), we are prone to becoming too attached, meaning that we grasp for it, cling to it, try to control it, and make our happiness dependent upon it. This is the essence of attachment. It is an unhealthy dependency and neediness. It leads people to do crazy things for “love.” Many a person believes they have such real, strong love for someone, but are merely grasping at their own needs/desires, often through control or manipulation. CS Lewis describes this kind of love in The Great Divorce with the “smothering mother” who is so attached to her son, that she has reduced her identity down to being “mother,” and feels she has a “right” to her son (is overly controlling) and is dependent on her relationship with him (is overly invested) — a situation which gives her no end of grief and offers no advantage to her husband or son.
Attachment is the corruption of caring — it is when our desires are co-opted by our ego and we cannot be happy unless our desires are fulfilled exactly how we want. The problem is not that we have desires, the problem is that we become attached to them. For my theistic readers, God doesn’t call us to get rid of our desires, but to hold them loosely… loosely enough that we can relinquish them to Him if it becomes clear that the desire is hindering our ability to love. This is what it means to put “God first.” We must be willing to submit all of our desires to God, and any desire that we aren’t willing to relinquish stands in rebellion against God!
To be attached is like having a “bad spirit” with control over you. Attachment is an imprisoning, while non-attachment is a liberation! You know you are attached when if feels like you are possessed by your desire. You may think you own something, but through attachment, that thing actually owns you!
Rejecting
Attachment to our own desires and expectations leads us to “reject” that which we don’t want, and thus we act out of fear and defensiveness!
May people go through life full of anxiety about what might go wrong. What if I get bug bites on the hike? What if I say something stupid? What if my friend doesn’t like the place I recommended? What if the person I ask says no? Many of our worries, and the subsequent “protections” and “provisions” we grasp at, are a form of attachment: us being attached to things not going wrong — rejecting what we don’t want.
Non-attachment doesn’t mean we shouldn’t plan for the future or be prepared — but we also don’t want to be preparation-obsessed or spiral into worst-case scenarios. There is a rational (appropriately rationed) way to prepare, which is motivated out of love and wisdom and seeking the good of others and responsible stewardship… rather than being motivated out of anxiety. Non-attached living releases all unsuitable anxiety. When non-attached, we realize that we can try our best, and if things don’t go the way we want or expect, that’s ok.
That’s the key. When your plans or expectations go awry, it’s revealed how attached you are by how overly disappointed and frustrated you are about it. Certainly it may be appropriate to be frustrated at a friend for canceling a meeting on you after the meeting time… but to let it ruin the rest of your day? It’s understandable to be disappointed that you didn’t go to the lunch spot you were excited about, but to sulk over your meal? A lot of the non-attachment in these situations is what some call maturity. It’s a healthy dose of stoicism. It’s the serenity prayer: “Lord, give me courage to change what I can, the serenity to accept what cannot be helped, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Consider, how would the perfect person act in these situations — how would Jesus have reacted to friend standing him up, or being forced to go without a meal?
“So then, don’t worry saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear?’ For the unconverted pursue these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But above all pursue his kingdom and righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. So then, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Today has enough trouble of its own.”
Holding Loosely With Love
“Holding loosely” has been important imagery for me to understand non-attachment.
I’d like to walk you through a brief exercise, if you don’t mind. Wherever you are seated, clench your fists near your chest as if you’re “clinging” to something. Then thrust your palms away from yourself, as if pushing something away. Then cup your palms loosely in front of yourself, as if holding something you cherish. This is the posture of non-attachment: neither clinging (fists clenched), nor rejecting (pushing away), but holding loosely, with compassion.
In “holding loosely” we are not disengaging from the world or becoming indifferent to it — we are still actively participating! We are holding the things/goals/people in our life, something which sometimes can take a lot of work/effort depending on what we’re holding — but it’s not the frantic and disturbed work of clinging. It’s a work of love and care, which is open to what else might come.
The “with love” part is as important as the “loosely.” It is a mis-understanding of non-attachment to think it means eliminating all desires — to want nothing. What kind of life would that be? And is that not simply another form of rejection? No, non-attachment (in both the Buddhist and Christian tradition) in is not a rejection of desire. It is not indifference! It is caring deeply, but caring with a kind of detachment that allows one to love without “neediness” and “ego” getting involved. It allows one to love unconditionally, without expectation of return or reciprocation.
Many a sage and mystic has spoken of this, using their own language. Theresa of Avila describes this love as detached (desasimiento) — for it transcends selfish and earthly desires. MLK describes this love as disinterested — for it should not be interested in self-gain, nor discriminating based on any quality or percieved worthiness of the person. Therese of Lisieux describes this love as abandoned (l'abandon) — for this love recklessly abandons itself, without concern for what it “gets” out of it. All of these are apt descriptions of non-attached love.
“Our wanting must always be caring, peaceful, patient, detached, and abandoned to God.”
Monkey Jar
Consider the following parable:
There once was a poacher who was eager to catch and sell monkeys, but was continually thwarted by their cleverness. Eventually, he devised a plan. He found a heavy jar with a neck just wide enough for a monkey’s hand to fit inside, and placed within it tasty fruit. Securing the jar under a tree, he needed only wait a few minutes for a monkey to come and find the tasty treats! The monkey put his hand in the jar and grabbed the fruit, but with his fist closed around it, his hand was too large to extract. Even when the poacher revealed himself and started to tie up the monkey, the stubborn monkey refused to release the fruit he’d claimed!
“More than that, I now regard all things as liabilities compared to the far greater value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things – indeed, I regard them as dung! – that I may gain Christ.”
Happiness is like a Bird
Happiness is like a bird. If we are lucky enough to have it, we should not cling to it — for then we will either frighten it away or squeeze the life out of it. Instead, we should hold it loosely, with love.
This, of course, means it is free to fly away. And it will! But that’s ok. All we can do is hold our hands out and be ready. Happiness will alight upon us again. And it will be more likely to come if we are open and safe — rather than trying to hunt it down.
“The measure of our interior peace will be that of our abandonment.”
Is Non-Attachment Christian or Buddhist?
“Non-attachment” is a term primarily found within the Buddhist tradition, but the concept is clearly present throughout the Christian tradition as well. Both traditions see it as an important aspect of living well, though it’s fair to say it’s more central in Buddhism.
A common misconception about Buddhist non-attachment is that it is about eliminating all desire. In actually, it’s about eliminating all craving, compulsion, addiction, and unhealthy desire. In Buddhism, non-attachment is a fundamental practice used to facilitate freedom from suffering (dukkha) and attain enlightenment (nirvana).
In Christianity, non-attachment is both a practice to grow in holiness and a grace received from God. By detaching from our sin, repenting, and turning towards God, we display faith, and open ourselves to God’s forgiveness, grace, and love. The sanctification process is one of growing in non-attachment, towards the ultimate goal of Love! We must detach ourselves from the “things of this world” so we can participate in “the next world.” We must not be attached to our own desires and expectations, so we can be fully attached to God’s desire and expectations. We must let go of “the world, the flesh, and the devil” so we can “seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness.” (Mt6:33)
Non-attachment helps us to love like Jesus, which is to say it helps us to love unconditionally and self-sacrificially. Non-attachment is itself a self-sacrifice (of our wants and ego) for the sake of Love — a way to die to the old self, and wean us off our habit of always expecting to get our way… allowing our wants and expectations to be crucified with Christ, so that instead Christ might live in and through us. The more non-attached we become, and the more dependent upon God alone, the greater a conduit of divine love we can be!
“The type of non-attachment that’s being talked about in Buddhist thought has less to do with what you own, or with what you hold on to, versus how that holds onto you... ‘Non-attachment doesn’t mean we don’t own things. It means we don’t allow things to own us.’”
So let us live freely, not owned by anything, not clinging to the things of this world, but living a life of non-needy love!
Let us abandon ourselves to love, and cultivate the virtue of non-attachment!
Photo Credits:
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